My biggest conundrum

this is not a Memorial Day post; that comes tomorrow.

The Conundrum:  Forgiveness.  Just how far is ‘enough’?    Forgiveness is NOT JUST a Christian aspect; its embodied in most all religions and philosophies (excepting Islam, though they suggest ‘forgiveness’ of allies; at least enough to regroup,,,)

slight lane shift here: I ask that y’all forgive me for my discombobulated state these days.    I am feeling VERY distracted and off center, not because of world events, but Mamakat,,,   She is preggers, full of hormones and CLINGY AS ALL GET OUT,,,   I haven’t had a moments peace at home in two weeks, and finding solace here has been,,, ‘Taxed’,,,   This, from an 8# kat that shouldn’t be able to get pregnant.  NOTE: after these kittens are weaned, shes going to get ‘fixed’,, PERIOD, end of discussion!   The Boys and I had a long heart to heart about it and decided that we can’t handle the psychotic episodes anymore.  Once these kittens are free of Mama’s influence and need of her as support, she gets spayed.  Settle these hormonal cocktails of insanity down to just kitteh narcissism,,,,(to give you an idea of how bad it has been: Mama ‘ambushed’ Grizzy one afternoon: she was all loveydovey for about 15 seconds, giving him a bath and head strops,  then, with no warning, tore into him like he was the demons incarnate.  Tore his ear and opened a hole on his chest.   Poor boy is walking on eggshells now, scared of every twitch, ping, and thump.   

Her Psychosis is entangling all of us boys here at the ‘Stead.  Even Voo has been acting ‘off’,,,,

NO MORE GIRL KATZ!!!  (and in a round-bout way, reinforces why I am single: Don’t need the dramas, don’t WANT the dramas.)

Digression complete, back to my conundrum,,,,,Forgiveness,,,,,

Let me start somewhere concrete: My Cuz neighbor and his Ol’lady,,,   Both have stolen from me: not recently, but in the past,  I want to say I have forgiven them, but I still maintain a HUGE distance from them,,,  The Question then becomes, ‘Have I forgiven them?’ if I won’t allow them access to my immediate ‘world’?    We don’t talk at all.   Not even a hand wave in passing.  I ignore them, they ignore me.

or is this a case of

(I know they think I am strange, they even stated as much in the past: to me and others.  And I accept that moniker since I am not ‘locally raised’, I can see that I am a strange one in their perception. (not just the fact that I am a reader, have no main feed from the world programming (TV) and a serious thinker/doer:   I don’t fit their world view,,,)

Where does forgiveness begin? Where does it end?   Forgiveness, but not forgetfullness?   Does one need to ‘forget’ the transgressions?    Take for example the break-up of Ex and myself: I have forgiven her of her impropiety, thats past, means nothing today.   But I have never forgotten the lessons learned.   So in that case, have I truly forgiven her?   I know if she were to walk back in my life, for whatever reason, I would welcome her as a friend, treat with her as one, BUT would never open my heart to her as I once did.   Is that forgiveness?

Socially awkward I am, always have been, likely always will be.   Much like my Grandfather in that sense (though NOT to the extent he was, needing grandma as his intermediary in all things social.)

Small lane shift, same road.   If one is able to forgive, without forgetting, is one able to live in the NOW?    Isn’t that a paradox or contradiction?   Or is that just simple wisdom gained by bloodied spirit.

And maybe I need to learn to forgive myself FIRST,,,,   I am my own worst critic,,,,

Yeah, I am that scatter-brained right now,,, Can’t think, and when I start getting a coherent thought, here comes the Mamakat to get in my face, on my book, of the tablet, whatever I am using, demanding ” ‘TENTIONS! NReOW!!!”    And I know its the hormones getting her all flustered, scared, etc.   She doesn’t understand this and the hormones are wandering all over the place, from Maternal instincts to blissful and back to MUST PROTECT!!!     It’s not her fault and it’s not like she has any logic circuits in her greymatter,,,,

this too shall pass 

ooooohhhhhhhmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

exhale.

It’s domestics day, or I could wait till the morrow for it, since tomorrow is an off day/holiday.   I have my little routine for Memorial Day, something quite personal for the few that I knew “who gave all”, and extended out to those I didn’t know personally.  

I wrap out todays thinks (here) with a tune about forgiveness.  keep on livin’