Monday mind dump,,,,
Maybe I have been looked upon as a Simpleton, with no imagination and the social graces of a pampered cat. The first two are total malarky, and the last is spot on truth given the right occasion.
BUT, when it comes to former relationships, I can assure you that the above description has been applied. Especially that pampered cat thing (more like a tom in rut, but I digress,,,,)
Apologies, I should step back in my monologue here.
For pleasure (OMG, He’s talking about having ‘FUN’, everybody hide the Knob Creek,,,) I have been re-reading one of my copies of Heinlein. In this case JOB: a comedy of Justice. It’s been near 20 years since I last read it. And, interestingly enough, it was the book my EX suggested to me (its one of the few Heinlein’s I wouldn’t jump into after reading the back cover, BUT, it is worth the read. Interesting ‘twists’ and on second reading, probably one of the Masters better-written mind benders. An arguable point and one subjective to personal opinion, but I won’t go into it here.)
See, when Amy and I first met, I was subjected to a number of tests, and I didn’t realize until just now, finishing the re-read, that this particular book was one of her tests. I ‘won’ her, not by the read, or some of the tests, but by Skitz, her cat: the paranoid recluse of a schizophrenic cat that ‘won’t come out around ANY strangers’, who made a liar out of her, and curled up in my lap the first time I visited. (that whole Tomcat in Rut thing, I swear, Kats sense that shit.)
I can see now, what she was looking for, and I could have told her then and there “I ain’t that”. Oh well. seven years gone and I learned a ton, toured the US, and made a ton of cash (and have not one dime to show for it, but thats part of that learning cycle I had,,,) and
I grew up.
Before and during that time, I was still locked in that Mid-twenties hormone sweep, and it took losing literally everything I owned except the shirt on my back, to wake me up to reality.
Yeah, that was the start of my being red-pilled, though, at the time, it was more like waking up from a psychedelic dream. And I still call it ‘waking-up’ to reality,,, It was also the start of my writing ‘career’ (if you want to call it that). Granted, that part is still growing, and I haven’t thrown that towel in. Probably couldn’t if I wanted to,,,, Once the writing thing gets its hooks in you, well, You’re hooked,,, *groan*. Yeah, that could have been worded better, but its the truth. You start writng out your thoughts, opinions, what not, then next thing you know, you’re telling vignettes and scenes for fun, and that grows into a damned novel, and, and, and
When Sarah talks about the characters in her head running amok, I know well what she says, though her experience is probably magnitudes of order bigger.
I have to explain to people at work that I am NOT talking to myself; they are only hearing one half of the conversation with a character in my head. And good thing I mostly work alone, eh? And there are days where I have to turn the tunes up loud so that I drown those voices out, or I would get NOTHING done for the J.O.B.,,, (and one reason I feel that maybe, just maybe, I need to bite the bullet and go full time with the writing thing. Many a great idea comes to me while at work, then by the time I get to a keyboard,, POOF!!! If it weren’t for the environment I work in, I would take the ‘puter to work with me and have it available for those moments. And No, writing it out manually doesn’t work for me, I type faster,,, and have you seen my chicken scratch handwriting???)
Joel once stated that he realized after the third (???) marriage collapse that ‘maybe the problem was him’. That was part of my waking up too. Only married once, but had ‘common law’ relations over a twenty year period, and all failed for ‘reasons’, and while I can’t say that all of the problems were centered on me, I can be certain that I lacked something the other half desired and I couldn’t fulfill: Children. ALL of the ex’s between divorce and now all went on to have lots of kids, and I was the weak link there. (long story short, I bought the narrative that the world needed less people and ‘fixed’ my end on it. Bad move,,,,)
But I am older now, and my prospects are likely Grans as well, and that makes me a little more of an item. And I do miss having someone around that has more than ‘mreow’ and ‘kblert’ as their running vocabulary,,, Now, If I can steer clear of the Krazzeee that I seem to attract,,, (and that IS all me, I know well. I just have to be picky as hell,,, Too far along to spend the next 10 dealing with ‘psycho’…)
Ok, nuff of dredging the past. On to other things. “There are no Problems, Just UNSEEN solutions”. Yowp! about the size of things,,, Mentioned that I ‘need an expensive vaca’ in my last post. Didn’t think that I had written in my solution when I pounded those keys. Went to work today and one of the guys wants me to teach him how to kayak. Not just paddling, but the rolls too. WELLLSsssss. My biggest issue has been lack of ‘support’*, IE, going solo all the time. Now, dude does not have a kayak of his own, likely doesn’t even have a PFD; but I DO, and this is going to turn into a ‘scratch my back’ thing. Maybe I do have some bad habits, but I will spot them if I see them developing in someone else, and can correct BOTH of us. (like not keeping your head down when recovering from a capsize,,, I know I do that often enough that I have to pay attention to it, and thats from lack of GOOD practice)(another of my ‘issues’ is getting in a damned hurry while underwater,,, Anxiety kicks in even though I know better. There is a reason the BCA makes their instructors do a ’10 second roll’, and it’s not because 10 seconds is fast,,,). And who knows, If I am successful at teaching him, maybe I should research getting credentialled for instructor and start doing it locally. I know of a few longboaters in the area (like two states local, we’re kinda spread thin here’bouts) and occasionally see queries on Fakebook along the lines of “am I doing this right”,,,,
Anyways, seeing how the world is trying to burn down around our ears, but we still aren’t shooting the bastards yet, I intend on having as much fun as I can while I can. I figured out that wealth is not all about money, but being able to LIVE on your terms, and yeah, sometimes that costs an arm and a leg,,,
But not always.
* this is not a slam on friends I kayak with. They have lives too, and I tend to have a bit more freetime seeing how I have an empty nest,,,, When we can, I JUMP on the chance to paddle with them. Its just far and few between, especially once the weather turns colder.
Side note two: Just noted when I opened up the editor online, this is my 5700TH post! Hot shit, that’s some writing for a little fish in a big pond,,,, (and that’s only on THIS blog, not the two prior or all of the forum stuff I have done. (and still crumbs to all the writing that Sarah and Francis do,,, Gotta get my game face on now,,)