Idle hands, devils tools

Creativity is not a blessing, its something of a curse as well.   As Sarah points out over at the Mad Genius Club, the price of being creative is that you have to create.

Self admission of late tells me that I have been lax as all get out on that note.  I have had to be ‘creative’ in finding some solutions, but that is not creating, thats problem solving: totally different animal.  I haven’t made a dent in any re-writes, or the sequel to Wings, or any shorts, even my writing here is taking a major hit.  Even in my kayak-y world, I have been leaning on what others created, and done nothing of my own.  I have a paddle that is half finished and no drive to wrap it up.  Its been on the wall for 3 months now.

Oh, I could likely ‘create’ all sorts of excuses as to the why I am not doing anything, but the fact is, I am NOT doing anything creative and its taking a toll on my psyche.   My anxiety levels have increased. 

When did it start?

That is part of the problem.  I know damned well when it started and that point was so far out of my control that only DOG had any say in things.  While I don’t want to open up that crate to expose to the world, it is still trimming my rudder for waters I would rather not be in, and while I have to be in them, its effecting other things, like my drive to create.   That isn’t an excuse, its a fact that I need to find a work around to.  If I don’t, it becomes the excuse and those start to accumulate like snowballs into avalanches.

And why so many of you are seeing me hit the escape button so often.    What I have to deal with is inside, and I try to get away from myself more than is probably healthy.   

Even my drinking is back up, and I know where that road leads. 

And some of that has a lot to with the work environment; what was convenient, has become a burden.  

What am I trying to do in this post?   Vent? Rant, (no, there would be a lot more cursing,,) Beg for help (nope, Other than for a friendly ear,,,) Am I trying to sort out whats eating me?   Maybe.  But there is only so much I am willing to expose to the world at large, and whats eating me is NOT on that list.  Trust me, it ain’t just the J.O.B. or “The REAL world” (which ain’t,,)(and thats another post completely, one that has been written about here a time or twenty)

Vent?  yeah, maybe a little.   Kittehs aren’t the best ears for spiritual issues of the human kind.  They just look at you like “just be the cat, if it irritates you , KILL IT.”    and Oh, there are days where that simple solution runs strong (and I know I am not alone in that,,,).  

So, at what point do I grab the reins, yank hard and tell the horses pulling this damned wagon that I have had enough?   This week?  Next year? or do I just keep the grumbles under breath and slog on, slowly dying inside?   Cuz that is how this is starting to feel.   (so I am taking Sarahs advice and getting on the keyboard and typing something anything to try and pry that valve back open.)

I have NO desire to delve into the political shenanigans of the THE FRAUD or World Power Shuffles, (even though that is exactly what is going on, and if things continue at pace, the US is going to be as effective as Rwanda on the world stage.  Not that I see the Ameri-CAN people allowing this country to fail that far,,,  Too many markers saying that things are about to turn around, and for MUCH better.)

And I am only willing to expose myself so much to the world at large.  Call it my Introversion if you will, but its fact that there is only so much me I can let out.  And probably why I am 54 and single (and have been for 12 years) and maybe that is part of the problem as well (ya think?)    (Hey, did I just let part of the beast out of the bag?) (Yup!). (but by nowhere near all of it, trust me!!!  That was just a pinkie finger of the beast,,,)

I guess ya all can see how this post is going to end today.   I’m going kayaking again.   and I may even take a tent and stay overnight, no phone, no fuzzie purrbox distractions demanding lap/foodies/snugz, no ‘new’ neighbors running a generator in the wee hours of the night (gah, that thing is irritating,,,,).  Just me, the trees, water and a kayak,,,,,  But mostly me, so I can take my soul out and see what needs patched.

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