Battle the darkness
And we are heading into dark times.
But lately the battle has been my own darkness. Y’all may have picked up on that, but yah, I’m fighting my own demons right about now.
You become what you think. If you think you are a loser or whatever, that thinking will carry forward into how you respond to life. I know I am not a loser, but damned if things right now aren’t reflecting that, and, accordingly, I am fighting to keep a positive attitude. Not an easy chore on any given day, what with my curmudgeonly ways. Go’head and call me that Grumpy Ol Man, I can take it. I just need to make effort to let it be the facade, not the reality.
Of course with income being curtailed (self inflicted wound, with reasons) I’m sticking close to home except for when I MUST head out to do the essentials. Picking up new plates is one of those things. And thats on hold for the now since they aren’t ready. Was supposed to be the AM, called and is now Next Monday. Out of my hands, but dangit, that is a high point I was looking forward to. (Current plates feel like they are digging into my palette: that shit hurts. Doesn’t help matters.
And now the Dad unit is starting the ride “call this guy, he’ll hire you” and not understanding my stance against ’employee’. I love my dad, but he is also one of the hardest bastions of darkness I fight against; hardest because I don’t want to distance him, but I have to keep a distance for my souls sake. He still maintains the “40 year career, retire with a pension” dogma that doesn’t really work in the modern world. (Exceptions of course, but I am on too many lists to get that state job he wants me in. And with the politics of things, I wouldn’t last long anyways: I am openly opinionated, and dealing with this ‘woke’ shit would have me in a darkness that would prove fatal.)
So my current battle is to ‘Pavlov’ myself into postivity.
My method is post-it notes plastered all over the place with affirmations and positive memes. If my dad rolls up, I limit my exposure and immediately dive into something positive (reading the rational optimist helps, as does a quick dive into Bachs ‘Illusions’)
Kittens having ‘Wrastle-mania’ is always a good reprieve. They are so funny even while taking themselves so seriously.
Note, I haven’t mentioned the kayaks. They are still here and very much a part of life, but they make me want to go all Jeremiah Johnson on the world and thats not really an option, is it?
Besides, Bruce n I have a fairly epic event coming up this weekend. A 40 miler in one day. Call it the challenge I NEED to regain some of myself that has been damaged by recent exposure to Destructive Narcissists. We’re both packing as if this will be an overnight/expedition (possible, but not the intent)minus the weeks worth of food. Camp gear mostly just in case we fail to hit our target. Both of us in Longboats, greenland paddles, back up paddles and a will to show a certain someone they are full of shit. LOL.
I get so sick of hearing “you can’t do that” when I have shown time and again “yes the fuck I CAN”. Its like the Malthusian attitude of ‘the end is inevitable’ despite centuries of contrary evidence.
It’s like this ill-fitting top plate in.my mouth; it rubs ya raw and wears into any good mood you are striving towards.
Yes, I CAN, WILL, and Fuggem if they can’t. Its a choice and I Choose to NOT be that grumpy ol cuss that hates life.